Some of you may have heard tales about my father. Some of you have even met and spent time with my father. One of the things that most people can remember about my dad is his sense of humor. I mean, he passes out $2 bills to all of my "friends". I am definitely carved from the same tree and you wouldn't doubt for a moment after meeting him, that I was his child. And no, I'm not adopted like he's been telling me for years.
The following is something that he completely made up for me and three of my friends. The last time I went to the beach with some high school friends and our moms, my dad came too. He felt the need to give us some guidelines on how to spend that vacation. Read the following carefully. It may crop up in your memory at random times and bring upon uncontrollable laughter.
Post In Prominent Place
1. There shall be no smoking in Bed!
2. Curfew is 10:00 p.m. Eastern Time. That means back to condo LIGHTS OUT and ASLEEP by 10:30 p.m.
3. Use of Bathroom in morning is in alphabetical order – Alice, Meghan, Andrea, and Beth – (for those of you who are mathematically challenged.)
4. Wake up is at 6:30 a.m. for the morning run with the parents. This is entirely voluntary and optional. If you don’t want to go on the run that’s okay. (The automatic 220-Volt electrical shocks to the bedsprings won’t occur until 6:35 a.m. in any event.)
5. No snoring.
6. No making remarks or ogling the male lifeguards.
7. No drinking of more than three alcoholic beverages before noon. (one beverage counts for EACH of the following – 48 ounce pitcher of beer, a box of wine, a fifth of Wild Turkey)
8. Only one-piece bathing suits permitted on the beach. One piece is defined as totally opaque, heavy wool material that totally covers body from ankles to top of head. (For picture – look in June 1999 issue of National Geographic, page 149.) Gloves optional.
9. Sun Tan Rules – Must use SPF of 250 or higher and not be exposed to sun more than 20 minutes total in any one day.
10. Toothbrushes shall NOT be shared.
11. Evening bathroom privileges are height order – tallest to shortest – Meghan, Alice, Beth, Andrea.
*Side note: Andrea is 5' 7" and the rest of us are around 5' 2".
12. If you behave properly – scoring system secret and totally subject to the discretion of judges – you MAY be permitted to wax Bob’s car. But only if each of you are really, really good.
13. No eating in bed. – Exceptions – Garlic Flake Potato Chips, Toasted Marshmallows and S’mores, Peanut Butter and Sardine sandwiches.
14. No yelling out car windows or over balcony such things as, “Woo, woo,” “Hey, look at these,” or “I’ll show you these for those Mardi Gras beads.”
15. No visits to tattoo parlors (unless they also sell stained glass.)
16. No new body piercings – you each have more than enuff holes.
17. Driving privileges – ONLY ADULTS will be allowed to operate vehicles. Adult is defined as follows:
a. Has had no alcohol in the last 371 hours
b. Is over the age of 21
c. Has at least three forms of picture id
d. Passes the daily written exam on driving safety
18. Swimming safety rules.
a. No entering the water (including showers and bathtubs) if food (including brushing teeth) has occurred within the last hour.
b. Coast Guard approved safety devices must be worn at all times when within 30 feet of water (yes, this includes the shower) These must be able to support at least two people each of which weigh more than 212 pounds AND be International Fluorescent Orange (not UT Orange) in color.
19. It is understood that each of you are individuals and that at times you individually want to do something by yourself, but due to the fact that the US has raised the Alert Level to Greenish Blue please adhere to the following rules:
a. Individuals are defined as a group of four or more. Groups LESS than four is NOT permitted outside of the sight of one or more approved parents.
b. Contact information
i. Each of you shall carry and have in the “on” position at least two cell phones
ii. Each of you shall carry and have in the “on” position at least one pager.
iii. Global Positioning Devices shall be worn at all times (written exceptions are permitted but must be signed by at least two parents.) These shall be registered with the US Office of Global Devices and Stuff.
iv. If you do not answer cell phone by second ring, pager within 14 seconds of message being sent, or if GPS device is out of service for more than 1.2 milliseconds you should expect a parent calling 911 and don’t be surprised if a SWAT team surrounds you. (Just be sure to drop all weapons.)
20 No unauthorized visitors to your rooms.
A. Unauthorized means ANYONE
B. See “A” above.
21 Each of you should memorize these rules. It may be easier to study as a group. Written exam will be given in morning.
a. Sample questions:
i. How many of the Rules start with a Vowel versus a Consonant?
ii. Is it more important to turn on your pager or to have world peace (essay question – answers must be hand written and no longer than 2,000 words and no less than 1,200 words.)
iii. If you see one of the others in our group breaking a rule which is the best answer?
A. Yell their name out loud and scream, “Fatty, fatty, two by four.”
B. Take a picture with camera to prove they were breaking a rule.
C. All of the above
D. Tell Parent immediately
E. All of the above NOW
F. Throw some cold water on them
G. Throw some cold water on yourself
H. NOW all of the above
I. Pretend you didn’t see them breaking the rule and use it as blackmail in case you ever break a rule.
I couldn't stop laughing after I found this yesterday. If you feel the need to share, go right ahead.